Obviously we were concerned about Marouane’s back injury after the Hull game. Back injuries can be tricky and we were worried that Marouane wouldn’t be able to get the full force into his elbows that we require. We were delighted to see him playing during the international break and since his return we’ve had his elbows on a strict training regimen.
When asked for further details in relation to Fellaini’s training, Dr. Stard continued:
Obviously we had to take a gradual approach to bring him back up to full elbow fitness. Initially we had him elbow small rodents and birds to death before we moved him onto kittens and puppies. Currently we have him in the tank with a great white.
Asked for comment on this extreme training, Dr. Stard, responded:
Obviously the needless death and carnage take a psychological toll on the player. We incorporate that as part of the process. For example with Marouane, he’s obviously very proud of his hair. We used Joe Hart’s recent departure to build up his hopes of finally landing that coveted Head & Shoulders gig. We convinced him that he could simply “Fellbow”, as we call it in the complex, his way through any other players that may provide competition. This motivated him to train harder and our elbow to puppy ratio improved dramatically. We then conspired with Chelsa to return David Luiz and his fabulous mane to the Premier League, thus destroying any hope of Maruoane appearing in a shampoo advert. We find this hope / despair cycle makes subjects more receptive to our methods.
When asked whether he liked his job Dr. Stard responded:
Obviously the sound of gentle sobbing and the smell of recently elbowed kitten when you wake up in the morning? What’s not to love? Truly, it’s a wonderful time to be alive.
