After a disappointing run of results Manchester United have started a campaign to bring Howard Webb out of retirement. Speaking with United manager, Jose Mourinho:
We see it as something similar to Scholsy coming out of retirement. A club legend returning to us in a time of need. We’ve seen in the last number of games how poor the refereeing of the game has become and how much individuals like Clattenburg are lowering the standard for everyone. I mean that man couldn’t measure a penis with a ruler and two hands. We need someone like Webb to come back to the game and bring back a level of partiality. That man could measure a penis with barely a glance. It’s clear that the game needs more referees who are willing to take a brib…..
A Manchester United official interrupts and in a whispered conversation with Mourinho says:
Ixnay on the bribay!!!
Mourinho recovers:
Oh yes, yes! What I meant to say was, a referee who is partial to the occasional brown envelope stuffed with…
The United official now slightly red in the face gestures frantically. Jose raises an eyebrow and shrugs:
Em, is willing to take large sums of money in exchange for….
The United official waves frantically, a noticeable sweat has developed on his brow and he begins fumbling with a container of tablets while whispering to Jose:
What, why is it I can’t say bribery. Open what? What is that? Oh open pocket? No? Wallet? No? Hand? Mind!?!! What? That makes no sense. Okay, okay I will say. My apologises, my English is still lacking some of the finer details. What I mean to say is a more open……mind??
The United official, now wheezing and clutching his chest, nods approvingly. He has the look of a man who has seen horrors beyond imagination in his short life. A man who wrote the script and watched the actors improvise. Jose continues:
In absence of the Bald One returning….
A gasp from the background, followed by another urgent hushed conversation:
Oh for fuck sake I never had to put up with this bullshit at Chelsea. I mean the follicly challenged one. In absence of his return, all we expect is that we are allocated a reasonable number of discretionary penalties to be used as we see fit and an acceptable level of added time in which to snatch a winner, say twenty to thirty extra minutes a game if we are losing which we are willing to pay a handsome some for. It’s not like we don’t have it, look at how much we spent on, what’s his name, French fella? Rooney, that’s the one.
A keening whine rises from the background followed by the dull sound of a body hitting the ground. Jose looks over his shoulder:
That’s the third one this week. Clattenburg’s fault.
