For many Leicester fans Saturday’s mauling at the hands of Liverpool will be a day to forget. None more so than Kasper Schmeichel, son of the Great Dane, Peter Schmeichel, who’s crazed fifty yard dash to tackle Sadio Mane gifted Liverpool their fourth. We spoke to team psychologist, Mr. C. Kielty, to discern the underlying cause:
It’s not entirely Kasper’s fault. We had a bit of knees up at the end of last season and invited along Derren Brown. It all went wrong for us from their.
We asked Mr. Kielty to elaborate:
Look we only really asked Derren along to make sure we didn’t lose everyone for this season. We didn’t think we had much chance of holding onto Vardy and Mahrez so we palmed Derren a few quid and a wig made from Mahrez’s hair as a sweetener and asked him if he could “suggest” that it wouldn’t be a good idea for either of them to leave. To cover it up we had him hypnotise a few of the other lads and he hypnotised Kasper to think he was Nueur. We all had a laugh at him taking Vardy out if he got within ten feet of him and trying to throw a round the length of the pub but it looks like some of it stuck. He hypnotised Ranieri to think he was Mourinho, he spent the night blaming everyone else for his grey hair and spilling his drink. If he starts giving out about Clattenburg in a post match I’ve been told to throw a bucket of holy water on him and start shouting “The power of Christ compels you”. I suppose you can never be too careful once you’ve invoked Mourinho, it’s all pea soup and cynical football after that!
Asked what they intended to do to reprogram Schmeichel, Mr. Kielty continues:
Well so far we’ve given him a map and a compass in case he gets lost again. We’ve told him that if the goal looks small it’s probably because it’s far away and he should get back to it, lively. We’ve attached him to one of the goalposts by bungee cord just to reestablish his relationship with the goal. Small things like that. If that doesn’t work we’re going to ask his Dad to kick the fuck out him!
We’re interrupted by a member of the coaching staff at this point who whispers something urgently into Mr.Kielty’s ear:
God how long has he been asking about Arsenal? Is there any sign he remembers what happened? Shit, prepare the chamber. I DON’T CARE IF HE NEARLY WENT BLIND THE LAST TIME! PREPARE THE CHAMBER!!!! Incidentally have we returned Lucas’s family? Excellent. Leave us!
Mr. Kielty turns back to us:
I’m terribly sorry. If you’ll excuse me Jamie appears to be having flashbacks? You’re not using this for a story are you?
We proceed to shake our heads and burn our notebooks:
Excellent. Excellent.
