Reports coming from Turin state that a hostage situation developed at Juventus training ground, the Vinovo, earlier today. Two masked men with American accents were reported to have taken a number of players hostage and were making demands through a megaphone. Italian police arrived on the scene and negotiated with the two men. There’s suggestions that Patrice Evra was shot in the foot. It is understood that Doctors questioned the men in relation to Evra’s injury. A transcript of the exchange follows:
Doctors : Which foot is injured?
Captors : Does it matter (laughter in background)?
Doctors : Well no not really, it’s not like he’s used either.
Captors : Sorry, it was an accident. He tried to escape but managed to shoot himself in the foot. We’re not sure how. We’re also not sure who played the Benny Hill theme when it happened but Buffon’s been laughing since.
When asked to outline their demands the captors replied:
Look, we just want what’s ours. It’s not like we didn’t pay enough for him!
When asked to clarify:
Look just hand over the Pogba, ok? He’s been missing since the Man City game! We broke into Fernandinho’s gaff and checked his pockets but no luck so logically he must have come back here. So just hand him over or we shot Buffon in the hair!!!
When negotiators responded that Pogba had left for Manchester United during the transfer window, the captors responded with maniacal laughter:
That wasn’t fucking Pogba!! You cloned him or something. That’s why he took so long to sign because you were cloning him and you gave us the clone didn’t ye. Whatever the fuck we have it’s not Pogba, we got fucking Mockba!!
Negotiators responded with:
Now Avram, we’ve been over this before…
The captors responded:
Avram? Who’s Avram? Ha, ha. I’m not Avram! Shut up right! My name is Money Bags Mc Ching Ching according to this bunch of fucke….
It was reported that a commotion broke out at this point, during which Buffon caught multiple bullets meant for his team mates, with only mild bruising to the hand and a slight ruffling of his hair. The captors escaped in a car driven by a man described by bystanders as a small, angry, Portuguese man who kept shouting about someone called Clattenburg. Investigations continue into the hostage situation and the Paul Pogba missing persons case.
