Reporter : So how does it feel to be the hero of an entire nation?
The Saviour : It’s been great. It’s great to represent your country and to score some important goals, it’s just a shame that we didn’t manage to get past France but sure look, it’s not like they won anyway.
Reporter : It must be nice to never have to buy yourself a pint again?
(The Saviour’s face drops. His eyes glaze over and he stares into the corner of the room like a man haunted. His bottom lip starts to quiver.)
The Saviour : Jesus no, that’s been (he returns his stare to the corner of the room, like a man remembering a distant conflict or a bad stomach bug)..that’s been tough so it has.
Reporter : (tearing a sleeve from his shirt to offer to the saviour) Tough? Are ya alright?
The Saviour : It all started off so innocently. You’d walk into a bar and head up to order a drink but someone would step in and say something like “I’ll get this one Robbie, that was some goal against the Italians. What ya havin’ yersef?”, and you’d ask for a Bulmers outta politeness and suddenly there was forty pints in front of you. Everyone of ’em Bulmers. I only wanted the one. I thought I might move onto something different after.
Reporter : Well forty pints of Bulmers is a bit much…
The Saviour : That was grand though but it kept happening. One time another fella came up to me and asked me what I was havin’ and I said “Ah look a coke will do me grand” and the place went quiet. The music went off. Everyone was staring at us. Yer man was looking at me like I just kicked him in the balls. He leant into me and whispered, “Jaysus Robbie don’t do that to me. A coke? Ya may as well have asked me for me first born. It’s the rules. Ya can’t break the rules.”
Reporter : Well ’tis the rules?
The Saviour : The same night another fella got a nudge off someone when he was passin’ me and he spilled some of his pint onto me shoe. It wasn’t even a good shoe, it was just something I threw on outta Penny’s. Same again. The place went quiet. The music went off. These five fella’s wearing suits and trilbies appeared outta nowhere around yer man. He was crying saying something about “I didn’t mean it”. One of the lads in the suit put a hand on his shoulder, shook his head and they all walked out of the pub with yer man shouting I’m sorry over his shoulder. I asked everyone where they’d gone with him but everyone just kept saying that they’d never seen a fella like that and there were no men in suits here.
(A man in a suit and trilby appears in the corner of the room, coughs to get everyone’s attention, shakes his head and leaves again)
The Saviour : Who was that?
Reporter : Who was who?
The Saviour : Yer man in the hat?
Reporter : You’re obviously upset Lord, d’ya want to leave the interview there?
The Saviour : Yeah, look if ya wouldn’t mind, I have to go home and get some sleep. I’ve had nothin’ but people climbing in through me bedroom window like the Milktray man leaving pints on me locker the last while. Me liver won’t take much more.
Reporter : No problem, but one thing before you go…
The Saviour : Don’t do it!
Reporter : What ya havin’ yerself?
