It was discovered yesterday that out-of-favour Liverpool striker, Christian Benteke has been replaced with a cardboard cutout. The switch became apparent during a routine training session at Melwood. Speaking to Liverpool manager, Jurgen Klopp, we asked how it was missed :
We just thought he turned up early for training the last few days. He did seem very quiet but I thought that may have been because I mentioned we wouldn’t be making presents of our strikers.
We asked why it had taken more than one day to realise :
He’d won a higher percentage of aerial balls and his touch seemed to have improved. We didn’t actually notice until he kind of flopped forward. We got the physio’s out to him and they realised after he disintegrated when they gave him some water.
When asked what they think happened to the actual Benteke :
We’re not sure but Pardew called up to Melwood out of the blue last week with a big box from PrintRight. He was shifty but then again Pardew’s always shifty.
Speaking to Alan Pardew at Selhurst Park :
Well no wonder they didn’t notice. That’s all they’ve used Christian as for the duration of last season. Never once played to his strengths. Of course we would’ve loved him to join us but the money that Liverpool were looking for was ridiculous and that whole not giving presents thing? Klopp has a wrapped box with a bow on it that’s about the right size for Mario Balotelli in his office all ready to go. We hope that Christian is ok wherever he might be.
When asked about the visit to Melwood and the large box from a print company Pardew responded :
Oh, eh, yeah, well the thing about that was, eh…..I was collecting the contracts for our new signing, you’ve probably never heard of him. Chris Den Feke from, er, Canada, yes Canada. Great find for us. Got him free and everything.
We had a quick look at the contract and pointed out that the picture of Den Feke looked an awful lot like Benteke wearing a Fellaini wig holding a Canadian flag and that the D in Den seemed to have been a B and the F in Feke used to be a T. A slight noise behind us made us turn around to see Den Feke standing behind us with a syringe of white liquid aimed at our neck. We glanced at him, then the syringe and then Pardew :
God this kind of thing was so much easier at Newcastle. Mike Ashley would just come in with the cosh. Probably best if you just leave.
On our way out we noticed some life-size cardboard cutouts of Suarez, Messi and a decapitated Mike Ashley.
